It's Been Awhile

I mean to get on here all the time and blog yet the hours fly by and time just eludes me these days. We just got home from a vacation to Siesta Key Florida and Disney World. We had such a great time. The kids did great minus the plane rides. We ran them ragged and they just went along for the ride.
I love my kids. They are all so different. I have learned that there is only so much you can cultivate in them. We have raised all of our kids exactly the same, yet their personalities are all so entirely different. Let's look at them for a minute.
Morgan-she's our oldest. She fits the stereotype for the oldest too. She's independent, wants to be a lot bigger than she is (and thinks she is) yet she's insecure. It seems a little contradictory, but I have seen this actually often play out in many adults. The loner types tend to be that way because really they are insecure and now I see that playing out in my daughter. So, we are trying to nurture her independence while building her up to rid her of the insecurity that's in her. She's such a tom boy and loves to play sports and can't wait to play them when she gets bigger.
Then there is Levi, our 3 yr old. He's entirely too sweet. He likes to talk about things in terms of his feelings. I tell him all the time that he's going to make a woman so happy because he's so sensitive and not afraid to talk about how he feels. He's a little charmer and likes to go out of his way to make people smile. His facial expressions are to die for and I get more hugs and kisses and I love you's from him than everyone in my house put together. He is not at all independent, he relies entirely too much on Morgan and cares very much about what she and only she thinks about him. He asks her questions everyday that affirm who he is. I have had to talk to Morgan about the importance of building Levi up. He's biggest flaw is he's lazy and we're trying really hard to work with him now to rid that out of him.
Then we have Matt, our almost 2 year old. That kid is 100% boy. You'll always find him either with a car in his hand or food. He eats more than Morgan and Levi combined. When I can't find him, I know that he's sitting in the pantry eating. He is a loner. I still can't tell if this is due to the fact that my older two are so close and he feels left out or if he really just doesn't care. He and Levi have been getting a lot closer recently however and it's really good to see. Ryan always says that Matt is going to be the man's man, the man that he wishes he was.
Then Luci, our 9 month old. She's the first baby we've had that didn't want rocked to sleep. She's a just lay me down and leave me alone type girl. She thinks she is big and can do the things that the older kids do. Nothing stops this kid and it makes me a little nervous! She can't verbally communicate yet, however she does "yell" to get your attention and is always yelling at the kids. It's actually really funny. She hates being held and prefers to be left on her own to motor ar the house. Nothing stops this kid.
The best part of having my kids is that they have all been tools of santification for me. The Christian life calls us to die to ourselves and having as many kids as I do as young as they are, I have really learned what dying to self truly means. I thought I got it before, but as our family grows, I die a little more. I am forced to think outside of myself continuously and I am forced to rely on God to provide all the things that we need to make it through each day. It's been a humbling process and as I recently saw the two lines appear on the pregnancy test, I was humbled again that He trusts us enough to give us another one. Even though this is baby #5 for us, the awe of it never wears off. The thankfulness never grows cold. The joy gets bigger than I imagined and the love for this baby is as big as it was for the first one.

Stir Crazy

If you know me well, you know I hate cold weather.  How I lived in Ohio for 10 years I will never know, but I hate cold weather.  Ryan and I went to the Bahamas a few years ago.  I loved it there.  It was beautful, the weather was beautiful and I enjoyed how they just didn't make a big deal out of things there.  You could walk right up to government officials, to what is like their secret service.  People there just don't care about that stuff.  If you know Ryan, then you know he's a dork and he loves government things.  So we went and chatted it up with their "secret service".  We learned a lot about their country and in the end, they were offering us citzenship!  Seriously!  I was so ready to go, but Ryan, no way.  So here I sit now, iced in my house, dreaming of the days in the Bahamas. 
So to get my mind off of this cold weather, I booked our trip to Disney today.  Yes, we are taking the kids.  Yes, we are flying with them.  All of them.  My kids are actually good little travelers.  We have traveled a lot with them and they always handle it better than we ever expect.  We also plan, plan, plan.  Well Ryan is the planner.  And we take a crew with us always to make sure that the trip is smooth.  Luci will be joinng Ryan and I to Tucson in a week and a half.  We are going to visit a good friend of mine that I grew up with.  She's one of those friends that we don't have to talk all the time and we just pick right back up.  I absolutely adore her and can't wait to see her and her family.  Then in April we are going to Ohio.  This trip however will be a new one for us.  Me, I am pushing for us to drive...Ryan, he's pushing for us to fly.  The kicker, this will be the first trip that we take the kids to and from there alone.  We are meeting friends there, but we will be solo for the trek there.  I am game...if it's in the car...we will see who wins this battle! 

Days Like Today

I rarely stay home with the kids all day.  That's like suicide.  They get all crazy if I keep them pent up.  My big three go to a Mothers Day Out three days a week.  So you know, they get social skills and don't become...weird.  That's Ryan's fear, that our kids will be "weird".  Imagine his fear growing as I told him that I am praying through home schooling...anyways, days like today are the days that I miss smoking.  Yeah, I use to smoke.  Quite a bit.  Like I smoked so much that before I even got out of bed I lit a cigarette.  My days revovled around smoking.  I really don't miss smoking.  The thought of it now repulses me...it's just I haven't found a stress reliever the way that cigarettes released stress for me all those years ago. 
So the home schooling thing...yeah, I am praying through that.  I never thought I would even approach that.  I always said that wasn't my gifting.  And I have no idea what our kid situation will look like, so yeah, no way.  But then I started to feel that pull on my heart like I have with so many other big changes, adjustments...I need to make sure that the reason I say no to it isn't because I am lazy.  Oh, and the "weird" thing.  When I asked Ryan to pray and work through this with me, that was his response, "I don't want them to be weird".  I don't want them to be weird either.  I don't know what we will do.  Luckily we have a year and a half to work through it. 
I told Morgan that I may teach her, she told me no way.  Then I showed her a private school by us that we are looking at for them and she told me "that's not going to be good enough".  Geez, I think no matter what we decide, somebody's not going to be happy.  And I just may be adding another "heck no" to my list.

I know God has a sense of humor.  Looking at my life, I know He has a sense of humor.  My life has become everything that I mocked.  It's become everything that I said I would never want or want to become.  I mean, a stay at home mom...I mean, just get a job.  That's what I thought.  My perception of stay at home moms were that they were lazy and just didn't want to work.  Now, a mother of 4 with my oldest being 3 1/2, I can attest that I have never worked so hard in my life.  Then there is the pastor's wife thing.  I mean, the fact that I even believe in God is a miracle, but then to marry someone who would go on to pastor.  I don't fit the um...traditional pastors wife role.  They are agh, impossibly too nice, too kind, too...submissive.  That will never be me.  Oh, never say never. 
I have become everything that I made fun of.  I have become what I said I would never want, yet, I am living a life that I am proud of.  Not to be too Rick Warren esk...but a life of purpose.  My life is exhausting, physically and emotionally.  I often feel like my day is over before it began.  Yet, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am right where I want to be and right where I am suppose to be.
This blog is to journey my daily life as a wife, a mother, and a Christ follower.  We enjoy a lot of ups and downs.  A lot of victories with a lot of defeats.  A lot of laughter and many tears.  The ride is wild and it's crazy at times, but it's all mine!