Milestones

This past week our family had two milestones. First, Morgan started school on Thursday. I had thought I was ready for this. I thought, there is no way I would be sad. I was so happy for her. She is growing up and she is loving it. But I was wrong. No, I didn't cry. But I definately teared up a few times as we made the long walk in as a family. Morgan is shy, a little apprehensive if she is unsure of her surroundings or when placed into new situations so I was all prepared to have to encourage her, to assure her and to comfort her. Boy was I wrong. She was so excited she went right in, sat at her desk and basked in her "big girl" status. The boys on the other hand, were the apprehensive ones. They didn't like the idea of leaving their sister behind. As we left, Matthew told me he was going to miss her and then he asked if we could come back and get her as if kindergarten was a permanent place. Her starting school has had me reflecting over the last five years with her. It's been such a sweet time in my life. My delivery with Morgan wasn't so easy, it was long and hard. I pushed for three hours to have her and then they take her to NICU. Those first couple of days I learned how deep a mothers love goes for their child. Morgan has always excelled at everything she does. She's a natural born competitor. By six months she was crawling, giving high fives and saying words like "uh oh spaghetti-o's" By her first birthday she was saying well over 60 words and we were able to have small convo's with her. She's never been one to just sit back. She was the perfect child to be the leader of our small army. She's a natural born mother herself. She takes pride in taking care of "her kids". When the little ones cry, she beats me to them to hold them or ask them if they are ok. She's such a great kid, wise beyond her years and I am not just saying that becuase she's my kid. If you encounter her, be prepared because she'll trip you up. So as we embark on her new journey, I am so happy for her and look forward to seeing her bloosom in her new environment where for once she'll be forced to think about herself. That's what I hope, but knowing her, she'll find a kid in class to help or she'll discover for us a family to help out. That's what she does, she's a natural born servant.
Then Luci turned two! It's hard to believe! Luci is such a good kid. Now, we went through a rough patch from ab 18 months to 22 months, but what we learned is that she was frustrated from not being able to communicate. Now that we can talk and carry on a conversation, she's such a good kid. And even more than that, she's funny and just really loving. I have to admit, I was a little worried there for awhile. But as I have said time and time again, Luci had to be strong willed. I found out about her two days after my dad had his heart attack. I knew that I was late, but I was too consumed to test and finally Ryan told me I probably needed to so I knew if I needed to take care of myself a little bit better than I had been during that time. So I found out about her, what bittersweet emotions. I sat next to my dad's bedside and I whispered in his ear, that we were having anothre baby and I needed him to get better. But he didn't. And 3 1/2 days after I found out about her, I had to let my father go. It was such a hard time for me but she kept me going. She made me focus. I sat in my ob's office the day that we laid my dad to rest and I told her that the baby had to be strong willed to stick with me through all of that and strong willed she is! I knew she'd be a fighter. She knows what she wants and is more determined than most people I know. I admire that in her. I named her Luci because her name means light..and God was so kind. He knew I would lose my father on Christmas eve, and he gave me a daughter during the same time.
With both of these events this past week, it's made me think of my dad a lot. I miss him. I know he would have been so excited for Morgan. He wouldn't of missed Luci's bday or Morgan's first day. He loved my kids. And I wish he had the chance to meet Luci. To meet Kate and to know them today. I have learned that grief doesn't go away. Time does heal, but as I said at his funeral, I will never be the same.
So, I carry on. With each moment, each milestone, felt with bittersweet memories of my father and what should of been, what could of been.