Days Like Today

I rarely stay home with the kids all day.  That's like suicide.  They get all crazy if I keep them pent up.  My big three go to a Mothers Day Out three days a week.  So you know, they get social skills and don't become...weird.  That's Ryan's fear, that our kids will be "weird".  Imagine his fear growing as I told him that I am praying through home schooling...anyways, days like today are the days that I miss smoking.  Yeah, I use to smoke.  Quite a bit.  Like I smoked so much that before I even got out of bed I lit a cigarette.  My days revovled around smoking.  I really don't miss smoking.  The thought of it now repulses me...it's just I haven't found a stress reliever the way that cigarettes released stress for me all those years ago. 
So the home schooling thing...yeah, I am praying through that.  I never thought I would even approach that.  I always said that wasn't my gifting.  And I have no idea what our kid situation will look like, so yeah, no way.  But then I started to feel that pull on my heart like I have with so many other big changes, adjustments...I need to make sure that the reason I say no to it isn't because I am lazy.  Oh, and the "weird" thing.  When I asked Ryan to pray and work through this with me, that was his response, "I don't want them to be weird".  I don't want them to be weird either.  I don't know what we will do.  Luckily we have a year and a half to work through it. 
I told Morgan that I may teach her, she told me no way.  Then I showed her a private school by us that we are looking at for them and she told me "that's not going to be good enough".  Geez, I think no matter what we decide, somebody's not going to be happy.  And I just may be adding another "heck no" to my list.

I know God has a sense of humor.  Looking at my life, I know He has a sense of humor.  My life has become everything that I mocked.  It's become everything that I said I would never want or want to become.  I mean, a stay at home mom...I mean, just get a job.  That's what I thought.  My perception of stay at home moms were that they were lazy and just didn't want to work.  Now, a mother of 4 with my oldest being 3 1/2, I can attest that I have never worked so hard in my life.  Then there is the pastor's wife thing.  I mean, the fact that I even believe in God is a miracle, but then to marry someone who would go on to pastor.  I don't fit the um...traditional pastors wife role.  They are agh, impossibly too nice, too kind, too...submissive.  That will never be me.  Oh, never say never. 
I have become everything that I made fun of.  I have become what I said I would never want, yet, I am living a life that I am proud of.  Not to be too Rick Warren esk...but a life of purpose.  My life is exhausting, physically and emotionally.  I often feel like my day is over before it began.  Yet, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am right where I want to be and right where I am suppose to be.
This blog is to journey my daily life as a wife, a mother, and a Christ follower.  We enjoy a lot of ups and downs.  A lot of victories with a lot of defeats.  A lot of laughter and many tears.  The ride is wild and it's crazy at times, but it's all mine!