Love

Since planting Praxis Community Church, we have spent countless hours asking questions like "why"? Why do we do this, why is this needed etc? This past year we have been so blessed to ask these questions as we flush out what Praxis is to look like and to be very intentional with the way we do church. It's also reminded me a lot of being saved. I didn't come to faith in Christ until I was 22. Looking back on it now, I see that the Lord had been wooing me for years. It's really beautiful to think about now. I endured more heartache than I care to address in this blog growing up. By the time I had graduated high school, I was rather hostile to the gospel. This idea of this all knowing, just, loving God honestly pissed me off. Yes, pastors wives do cuss. 

Planting Praxis has had me really remember where I was coming into faith in Christ. The patience that many had with me over the years. All the seeds that were sown into my life. The list is endless I am sure, but my Nanny God rest her soul, Gracie, Jamie, Sarah, Donna, Jason, Lisa...you all impacted my life and my walk with Christ more than you will ever know. I am beyond thankful. The majority of that list knew me prior to my conversion and spent countless hours loving a kid who didn't love herself. It was in their love for me that they showed me Jesus and in that love restored my hope that maybe, just maybe this Jesus is real. I had a crazy conversion that I'll save for another day. But I often think of the love given to me by these people when I didn't deserve it. When I resisted it, when I flat out refused it. They loved me anyways, in spite of me and in that...my heart slowly began to change. Love. At the heart of who Praxis is, is love. We may not have all the bells and whistles just yet. We have a lot of things left to figure out. But what we do have...is love. And that's something that I am proud to say we do well. We don't care where you have been or where you are right now..what we do care about is you. And we're ready to love you if you'll let us. I know it's scary..I have been there. Just come....

So why Praxis? Why do we exist? Because of love....because He first loved us. 

Parenting, what an Honor

Ryan and I have five kids. Five kids that couldn't be any different. From the way they look to their personalities, they are all each so completely different. We have learned that there is only so much you can cultivate with their personalities. There truly is truth to the fact that they are born certain ways with certain traits and characteristics. The dynamics in our home is all over the board. Morgan is our oldest and she is shy with those she doesn't know but oh so confident once she does know you and she has no problem speaking her mind. She has this need to feel needed and of value. She tries to earn her keep so to speak and she is best served if you allow her to work. I know, it sounds weird right?! But Ryan and I had felt guilty, like we were "working" her too hard because she is the oldest of five kids five and under so we purposely refused to let her "work" or "help" us and boy was that a mistake! She felt completely betrayed by us and we began having a lot of discipline problems with her. A wise older woman spoke some truth into me and let me know that Morgan is wired to "help" and maybe we should let her do what she was created to do. So we did, and sure enough, I got my kid back. Then there is Levi. He's our evangelist. He eats up the Gospel and you often find him listening to worship music with his hands raised. He prays for the world and for people to be saved daily. When I pray for him at night, he thanks for me doing that for him. He's just got a heart for God that is unmatched by many adults we know. And he's 4. Then there is Matt. He's completely oblivious to pretty much anything. He's a true middle child. I often say "where is Matt". He's just a very quiet and sweet little boy who often gets in trouble because he has two older sibllings that like to have him do things for them that they know they aren't allowed to do :) He's my kid that doesn't say anything, but he'll come and hold my hand when he needs to be comforted. He's the kid that doesn't give us any problems, he's so compliant. Then I have Luci. If you know Luci, that's all I need to say. She's loud, opinionated, and bossy. I have no idea where this kid came from because she is not like any of us. She's so girly and prefers to be in a dress any day of the week. She is everybody's favorite and as a guy at the gym says "Luci has swag". I do not have to worry about Luci. She's confident, she's self assured, and she tells us often she's "Beautiful." She's only two! Then we have Kate. My sweet Kate. She is my cuddle bug. She prefers to be on my hip than anywhere else. She has this sweet little smirk that she gives when she knows she's doing something that she shouldn't be. She looks just like Matt and Morgan and her mannerisms remind me so much of Morgan it's eery.
I tell you all of these things about my kids because I have learned two important things about the honor of parenting. One, what we cannot parent into them we can pray into them. Often times Ryan and I are at a loss of what to do, or how to handle a child but what we always have is prayer. God can move in their little hearts and work in ways that Ryan and I never could. Secondly, we have learned that the goal of the family, our role as parents is the replication of the image of God and not to just create a happy home. We want our kids to respond the appropiate way not because it makes us all happy, but because that's how God desires them to respond or how to behave. I often hear my kids correcting each other and I hear things like "that is not God honoring". And I love that about them. As parents, we can never get these days back. Their minds are so impressionable and the sooner we understand that and honor what God has trusted us with, the better off your home will be. Not to mention, I often like to think about how we will be impacting future generations with the way that we raise our crew. Pretty humbling to condsider honestly. I know that there are curses that my family has struggled with that has been passed on from generation to generation and my heart felt prayer is that I as parent my kids the way that God has intended, that those curses go into the ground with me. And by the grace of God they will.

Where was God?

Where was God?

That is a question I get often in leading women through a journey of healing who were once victims of a sexual assault. Sexual assault, whether through rape, sexual abuse or incest is a devastating event that happens to far too many men and women, boys and girls. Victims of sexual assault also experience effects such as physical, psychological, and emotional scars and the abuse often manifests itself in responses such as denial, guilt, shame, distorted self-image, anger, and PTSD. The feelings that victims have I could never adequately put into words.

Praxis Community Church offers a support group for women who have been victimized. The group is centered around Jesus, His grace, and His healing hand. The reality is, no one on this side of the grave will ever truly understand what you went through. Sexual assualt harms people in different ways to different degrees. What I hope you find in our support group is a group of women who understand that you are hurting, who respect where you are in the process and never push you to go faster than your heart can bare. Sometimes, women come and they just listen. We never know their story. Some women come and just cry. Some come and scream and yell. People’s reactions are all over the board, and we welcome that and we honor where you are at. We don’t expect you to go through the class and come out as if nothing ever happened to you. Our hope and prayer is that you will begin the process to allow God to remove the guilt and shame and the effects that it has created in your life. I pray that women who enter the group with us learn that God is familiar with the pain you’ve been going through and more importantly that He mourns with you and that he is angrier than you are for the sins committed against you. So where was God? Come join us and let’s answer that question.

Seven Years

Seven years ago today Ryan and I were married. There are no words that I can say that can truly convey the depths of the love I feel for him, nor are there words that can truly capture how blessed I feel to have been able to spend the past seven years of my life as his wife. Our first night that we hung out was spent talking about God and theology into the wee hours of the morning. Looking back on that evening now, God had set the tone from the very beginning. I vividly remember him leaning against a wall after we had been dating a couple of months and the Lord was clear, “you are looking at the man you will marry.”

The past seven years have been nothing short of beautiful. God has been so kind to me in giving me Ryan. Ryan, you are a man to be admired, respected, and revered. And I hold all of those feelings deep inside of me for you. I have learned more about God’s love for me through the way that you love me so passionately, deeply, and sacrificially. You’ve taught me how to love and how to be loved. You’ve taught me how to trust and restored my hope in mankind. You and I share that once in a lifetime love. We have the kind of love that is depicted in the movies and little girls dream of. We are blessed. And I pray that above all, our love represents Christ well. I pray that the way that we love each other teaches our kids about Christ’s love for them. I pray that our little boys grow up to be half the man you are. I pray that they watch you carefully and that the man you are rubs off onto them. I pray that they see a man who loves well, not just me but how you love them and how you love others. I pray that our boys see the importance of hard work and providing for your family. I pray that they learn about integrity, honesty and character from you. Above all, I pray that they learn what it means to be a man after God’s heart as you are. For our girls, I pray that by your example, I pray that they see the way a man should love, how a man should lead, and how a man should respect his wife and how much he loves his family. And I pray that they never settle for anything less.

 Yesterday as me and the girls drove down the road, Luci was talking about “her daddy” and she says, “he loves me.” I love that at 2 years of age, she knows that her daddy loves her. And I love watching the older kids “preach like daddy” and watching them admire you in their own ways. They all love you deeply and that is just a reflection of what a good man you are.

I love you Ryan. I love you more today than I did seven years ago. I never in a million years imagined that we’d share a love that reached the depths and lengths that ours does. Your presence a lone gives me a peace that I could never explain. I love the way it feels when your hand takes mine. Or the way I feel when you hold me. We’ve seen some amazing parts of this world together, we’ve had experiences that many never will. Yet, my favorite place to be is curling up with you at the end of the day. I love ending my day with you. It’s been seven years. Seven years and five babies. It’s been nothing short of love, beauty and God. Thank you Ryan…and thank you Jesus.

Big Impact

"Therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, ²with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love, ³being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ⁴There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; ⁵one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all. ⁷But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christs gift ¹²for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; ¹³until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ," (Eph. 4:1-7,12-13).

There are a lot of characteristics of Praxis I love. The people are genuine, loving towards each other in our own body and those outside of it. It's real love. There is no agenda in why we love the way we love. It isn't to grow Praxis. We love because Christ first loved us. But aside from that, what I love is the unity in the mission that we share with so many others. From other ministries to other churches, we are united for one cause and that cause is to grow the body of Christ. In our short six months of existence, I have been so blessed to be apart of some of the coolest things with other churches, with other ministries etc. Right now we are partnering with another organization that is reaching families on the East Side of Arlington. Here in this little community are many different nations represented and other faiths but every week, we unite for one cause and that cause is Christ. Today I stood back in amazement as I talked with two Muslim women from Africa. They were so kind and gracious to me, loving on me and we shared stories, talked about our kids etc. But the best part....while we were hanging out, I sat and watched their children being taught about Jesus and they were okay with it. Two weeks ago Ryan and Christina were invited into one Muslim families home, they were fed by this family and then Ryan got to pray with them. Praise God. And this isn't our ministry. That's what I love about it. We just saw a need and decided to join God in on His mission. And what a blessing it is.

We learn well about unity from Mayfield Rd. They support many churches in the area. They love on us, and in many ways, we aren't two churches but one big church - why? Because we are on the same mission. They want to see us succeed and grow not because it has anything to do with us, but because it means people are being changed for Christ. And that's what we want, to see the East side of Arlington radically changed for God's glory. When we started this journey, we felt really compelled to be a church that was geared towards families and we felt directed to the East side of Arlington. We have a large family and our hearts were just really broken for the family unit in the church. So God calls us to the East side. We learned this past week that there are so many kids on the East side that they are opening up a new elementary in the fall and 2 more next year. That means there are a lot of families there.

There is much work to be done. In Arlington alone, there are 175,000 not affliated with a church. If we expand that to Grand Prairie and Mansfield, that number jumps to 275,000. Being in the bible belt, that number amazes me. But I am so encouraged because it is clear God's hand is on the East side. That little section of town is working together, and working well together. And we will make a difference, not for our glory, but for His and His alone. As someone radically changed by Him 11 years ago...nothing fires me up more than watching people learn and fall in love with Christ. And today, I stood back and talked to a Muslim woman who said she hopes to return to Africa. She has been in the US since 2006 & she told us that it is too hard living here. What hit me was that we have the opportunity to share Jesus with her and then she return to her home country. We have the opportunity here on the East side of Arlington, to impact another nation.

To God be the Glory!

Milestones

This past week our family had two milestones. First, Morgan started school on Thursday. I had thought I was ready for this. I thought, there is no way I would be sad. I was so happy for her. She is growing up and she is loving it. But I was wrong. No, I didn't cry. But I definately teared up a few times as we made the long walk in as a family. Morgan is shy, a little apprehensive if she is unsure of her surroundings or when placed into new situations so I was all prepared to have to encourage her, to assure her and to comfort her. Boy was I wrong. She was so excited she went right in, sat at her desk and basked in her "big girl" status. The boys on the other hand, were the apprehensive ones. They didn't like the idea of leaving their sister behind. As we left, Matthew told me he was going to miss her and then he asked if we could come back and get her as if kindergarten was a permanent place. Her starting school has had me reflecting over the last five years with her. It's been such a sweet time in my life. My delivery with Morgan wasn't so easy, it was long and hard. I pushed for three hours to have her and then they take her to NICU. Those first couple of days I learned how deep a mothers love goes for their child. Morgan has always excelled at everything she does. She's a natural born competitor. By six months she was crawling, giving high fives and saying words like "uh oh spaghetti-o's" By her first birthday she was saying well over 60 words and we were able to have small convo's with her. She's never been one to just sit back. She was the perfect child to be the leader of our small army. She's a natural born mother herself. She takes pride in taking care of "her kids". When the little ones cry, she beats me to them to hold them or ask them if they are ok. She's such a great kid, wise beyond her years and I am not just saying that becuase she's my kid. If you encounter her, be prepared because she'll trip you up. So as we embark on her new journey, I am so happy for her and look forward to seeing her bloosom in her new environment where for once she'll be forced to think about herself. That's what I hope, but knowing her, she'll find a kid in class to help or she'll discover for us a family to help out. That's what she does, she's a natural born servant.
Then Luci turned two! It's hard to believe! Luci is such a good kid. Now, we went through a rough patch from ab 18 months to 22 months, but what we learned is that she was frustrated from not being able to communicate. Now that we can talk and carry on a conversation, she's such a good kid. And even more than that, she's funny and just really loving. I have to admit, I was a little worried there for awhile. But as I have said time and time again, Luci had to be strong willed. I found out about her two days after my dad had his heart attack. I knew that I was late, but I was too consumed to test and finally Ryan told me I probably needed to so I knew if I needed to take care of myself a little bit better than I had been during that time. So I found out about her, what bittersweet emotions. I sat next to my dad's bedside and I whispered in his ear, that we were having anothre baby and I needed him to get better. But he didn't. And 3 1/2 days after I found out about her, I had to let my father go. It was such a hard time for me but she kept me going. She made me focus. I sat in my ob's office the day that we laid my dad to rest and I told her that the baby had to be strong willed to stick with me through all of that and strong willed she is! I knew she'd be a fighter. She knows what she wants and is more determined than most people I know. I admire that in her. I named her Luci because her name means light..and God was so kind. He knew I would lose my father on Christmas eve, and he gave me a daughter during the same time.
With both of these events this past week, it's made me think of my dad a lot. I miss him. I know he would have been so excited for Morgan. He wouldn't of missed Luci's bday or Morgan's first day. He loved my kids. And I wish he had the chance to meet Luci. To meet Kate and to know them today. I have learned that grief doesn't go away. Time does heal, but as I said at his funeral, I will never be the same.
So, I carry on. With each moment, each milestone, felt with bittersweet memories of my father and what should of been, what could of been.

He's Worth It

The last few months have been nothing short of a whirlwind. We had a baby, added number five to the mix and in the midst of making that transition, God calls us to plant a church. "Really God?" That's what we were asking. When the answer kept returning yes and the provisions began pouring in faster than we could process them, we stopped fighting and decided God was moving in this direction whether we liked it or not and  the sooner we got on board, the better off we'd be. Was it scary? Yes. I will be real honest and say that there were many days I couldn't "think" about it. I just had to continue to trust in God's direction and ignore my own doubts and fears. The reality was, I didn't want to plant. At least not now. It wasn't on "my" radar. You see, Ryan and I like structure and order. When you run a house with 5 kids 5 and under, you have to have structure and order. Something that I use to love about myself was that I was really spontaneous. When I moved to Texas from Ohio, my conversation with my bf went like this "do you want to move to Texas?" she said when, I said now. So we told our jobs and in a week we were gone. I thought back to those days often as we planted the church. With moving so quick from Ohio, we never had a chance to think about it. We just did it. And as we began planting Praxis we had to stop "thinking" about it. We just had to continue to listen to the Father. The best part of this season of our life is that we are closer to Him than we have ever been. We were forced to live on our knees in ways that we had never done. We began to see God so differently and began to experience His presence in our life in ways that have absolutely rocked our world. I never in a million years imagined that my relationship with God would be what it is today. Where I thought I was close to Him before, I now realize I wasn't even tapping into a tenth of what He wanted for me. And it's simply A M A Z I N G.
Praxis Community Church is still a small growing body of believers that has been so blessed by Mayfield Road baptist Church. The Lord has called us to minister to the East Side of Arlington. In our short existence, 4 1/2 months, we have grown more than I thought. I remember in our early days, we had on a Sunday an average of 12-17 people. It was our church and the Lord began to open our eyes to a hurting world and everytime we saw a need, we met it with no hope in a return that they'd join us. We simply wanted to share what Christ had shared with us. Over the last few months, we have grown quicker than we had imagined with a majority of our people experiencing church and Jesus for the first time. Praise God. We are hearing stories from our people who have never served the community and are now experiencing it's life changing power in their lives.
Praxis is God's church. It's His idea. It's His place that He has called into existence to serve a small portion of this hurting world. Today, I sat in church tearing up at what He has done. The best part of this for me isn't what He's doing on the East side of Arlington or even in the people He's changing in our own congregation...it's what He's done in me. I thought I knew a lot. I thought I had a lot of things figured out. But I realized early on in this that I didn't. While I professed with my mouth I trusted Him often in the past, I have learned over the last few months what that really looked like. More importantly, I have learned to trust in the workings of the Holy Spirit in ways that I never had before.
I don't know what all the Lord will do in Praxis over the next few months or years. What I do know is that the Lord is good. I have said that many times over the course of my believing years, but I now say that from a different place. In the past, I would say the Lord is good when good things happened to me or my family. Planting Praxis was one of the hardest seasons I have endured in my life. Coming out of that, I wanna shout He is good! He's better than anything or anyone! And the reality is, the beauty of this is, He's all those things and more not because of me or how I am feeling but because I see Him changing lives of people in ways I never knew were possible. Getting to watch so many learn about Christ and fall in love with Him, makes it all worth it.
And I'd do it all over again if I had to because He's worth it.